


Let The Sunrise Come Again

by LoveWithAGirl



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of attempted rape, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 13:32:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9387329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveWithAGirl/pseuds/LoveWithAGirl
Summary: Everyone is a little (or a lot) broken. Sometimes the pieces can be put back together easily, and sometimes they can't at all. And sometimes, that's okay, because being broken means you're still alive.





	1. I'm Only Human/And I Bleed When I Fall Down

**Author's Note:**

> The H50 family has had a lot thrown at them, and I think it's high time the show addresses it, but they haven't, so I am. There is triggering content in here, and I'll post it with each chapter.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kono Kalakaua hits her breaking point, and learns how to crawl back up after tipping over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Kono Kalakaua with all of my heart, but she's been through a lot of shit that never gets addressed. Here is something that I wanted to write so I could address other problems that she's had to go through. Trigger warnings: there is mention of attempted rape in this chapter.

Kono can’t go home.

Not like this. Not bloody (how much is her own), not exhausted (she’s pretty sure she slept last night, but maybe it was the night before), not confused (something is missing but she’s not sure what), not alone (she can’t drive with her knee fucked up again but there’s no one here).

Kon can’t call Adam to come get her, though, can’t bring herself to pick up her phone and say-well, say what, even? ‘Hey babe, almost got killed at work again, and the EMT didn’t exactly clear me but considering how bad I messed up today I’m lucky I was able to hitch a ride back to the palace because Duke felt sorry for me and I lied about being okay’, or ‘Hey honey, I can’t exactly pick up chicken on the way home anymore, and I think I might be angrier with myself than my team is but I’d lose myself if I wasn’t a part of them’, or ‘Hey gorgeous, why are you with me when all I do at night is swallow my screams’, or ‘Hey, I fucked up and I’m fucked up and I can’t remember how to be happy’, or ‘Hey, when did I learn to hate myself and how do I stop?’.

So she sits on the floor in her office, hunched slightly under her desk and with the lights off, stares at the bulky bandage on her knee and vaguely registers that she’ll need her brace again, and picks at the dried blood under her fingernails and on her knuckles. She tries to focus less on that and more on getting her breathing under control when her chest starts heaving, because one thing Kono refuses to do at work (or anywhere else) is cry. Crying won’t help, can’t help, will do nothing but make today’s nightmare real and she isn’t ready for that, wishes she could get up and go to the locker room and wash the blood off, wash the memories off, before anyone else comes back, because then maybe they’ll forget or ignore today and tomorrow she can go back to pretending to be okay.

But she can’t get up to walk to the showers, and she can’t get her breathing under control, and her heartbeat is speeding up and her vision is getting blurry and this is it, if someone comes back and finds her broken like this Kono is done for but she can’t stop. Her last coherent thought is that at least she made sure to hide so maybe no one will see her, and they’ll all go home and assume someone else got her back to her place, and then suddenly her office light goes on and Kono can’t help it-she’s back in that room and the perp is coming at her again and this time he’s going to hold her down successfully and finish what he tried to do, and she screams like she should have today. She screams, loud and afraid and breaking off in the middle when there’s the loud noise of her office chair being pushed into the wall by her cousin trying to get on the floor in front of her, and he looks so relieved and scared and Kono starts crying, awkwardly scoots forward and cries out when her knee gets jarred but then Chin is close enough that she can press her face to his shoulder and bawl like she hasn’t since she was twelve.

In the background there is still noise, what sounds like Steve’s worried voice and Danny’s distressed one, both trying to ask what’s going on-are you okay-Chin what happened-who brought her here-why did you leave without saying anything-Kono please talk to us, and she hears them but can’t process anything. She just focuses on her cousin’s arms tightening around her and his steady murmur in her ear and tries to slow her sobs so they’re more breath than tears so she doesn’t become hysterical, because that’s the last thing they all need. Eventually all three men fall silent, and a while after that she’s finally able to do it, finally gets her breathing under control and her heartbeat slowed to match Chin’s, but her traitorous hands are still trembling when she lets go of his shirt and tries to scoot back. Kono hisses at the sudden jolt of pain and stares down at her knee, wonders how she forgot about it, and when she looks back up her team is there, all three sitting quietly by her desk, tired and worried and waiting for her.

She distantly wonders what time it is and hopes that one of them texted her boyfriend, is incredibly grateful that Lou is away, because he’s too new and she’s too raw to let him know this side of her exists. She swallows the lump in her throat, blinks hard to try and make her eyes stop burning, curls her hands in fists in her lap to hide the shaking, carefully straightens out her leg by Chin to try and soothe the dull ache, and then lets the words she didn’t know she had spill out of her mouth.

Kono pours herself out, that she’s not okay, the nightmares she’s had since bringing Adam home, the heaviness she feels every day lately while facing down human monsters, the extra standards she sets for herself because she feels like she still has to prove that she’s good enough for Five-Oh, the dark cloud of self-loathing that’s been hovering for weeks now and just grows when she looks in a mirror, the lack of sleep since they got this case, the fear that’s been consuming her because she sees herself in all of the victims, and that’s where the confessions turn into apologies.

She tries to keep looking at them but can’t, instead drops her eyes back down to her lap and lets the broken words out of the cage they’ve been rattling in since this afternoon. “Danny, I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you or clear the room quick enough and that asshole knocked you out,” deep breath in, slow breath out, “Steve, I’m sorry I let him get my gun away from me, you taught me better than that,” her hands ache from how tight she’s curling her fists, “Chin, I’m sorry I didn’t scream so you could find me, I could hear you over the comms,” don’t cry again, “I’m sorry I froze, I’m sorry I fought him with just my hands.” She almost chokes, then, eyes locked on her knuckles turning white under the blood. “I’m sorry I killed him, I’m sorry he won’t stand trial and pay for what he did, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” and then Chin grabs one of her hands and squeezes tight to make her look him in the eyes.

“Cuz, don’t you ever be sorry for doing what you have to do to stay alive.” Kono has to blink back tears when he says that, swallows down another lump in her throat, and she nods when her cousin repeats himself before continuing on. “We aren’t mad that you killed him. We’re mad that you had to do it alone.” Her boss clears his throat then and tries to make himself smaller when their eyes go to him.

“Kono, this wasn’t your fault. Even if you’d gone in with Danny as your backup, or you as his, Krantz would have ended up dead. And I’m sorry if I made you think I was angry at you. I was scared for you, and I didn’t react well.” She’s reeling, off kilter, because Chin and Steve are both telling her that it’s okay, that her fuck up is okay, and she doesn’t understand so she looks at Danny and hopes for an explanation.

“Babe, I’m sorry you had to go up against him alone, and I’m sorry he got his hands on you, but I’m selfishly glad that you killed him, because you could have ended up like those other women but you didn’t, you’re here with us, and I can’t be sorry for that.” His voice is raw and his eyes are a little wild, and Kono wants to cry all over again but thinks that if she starts up she won’t be able to stop this time, and so she viscously pushes it away because she needs this, needs them.

“He’s right, cuz. You’re still here, and that’s all that matters, okay?” Her cousin’s voice is firm, and Kono feels something settle at that, at his sure measure and tight grip around her hand. She squeezes his hand back gently and takes a shuddering breath, looks around at her teammates and leaves her gaze on Steve when he sits up straighter and looks her in the eye.

“I know it’s be a long day, and that we all want to go home, and we can soon, I promise. The paperwork can wait, will wait, no one is staying behind tonight to do it. But Kono, I need you to promise me something.” She nods right away, will do whatever her boss asks, because she will make this up to them in any way so she can stay a part of the team. “You have to talk to someone, a professional, about everything you told us. You need to, and I know it sounds hypocritical coming out of my mouth, but it’s non-negotiable for me. We need you, and I know you need us, but you also need to take care of yourself.” Steve’s voice is soft but firm, and Kono finally loses her fists, pulls her hand away from Chin to rub her palms over her thighs and knows that he’s right, shoulders slumping as she nods.

“Okay, I will, I promise. I’ll make an appointment with the police psych tomorrow.” She’s startled but grateful when Danny murmurs that if that doesn’t work, he can recommend a psychologist he trusts. Kono’s suddenly exhausted, and it must show, because Steve gets to his feet and offers his hands to her, murmuring that it’s time to wash up. She’s careful to not put too much weight on her bad knee but grimaces anyway, and then Chin is there under her arm to let her lean into him, smiling at her softly and telling her that he’ll take her home after. He helps her to the locker room, steps back so she can get the blood off her hands and face and then holds out some towels so she doesn’t have to lean over to grab for them. Danny has her bag and Steve is waiting by the door of her office when they come back, and he turns out the light and slows his normal pace to walk with them to the elevator. They ride down in silence, and Chin supports her over to her car, gently takes her keys while saying that he’ll get his motorcycle tomorrow. Danny puts her bag in the backseat before pulling her into a hug, murmuring again that she survived before stepping away to let Steve have his turn, and they all laugh, quiet and shaky but genuine, when Danny tells Chin to be careful with his cargo.

Kono leaves the window down as her cousin drives her home, closes her eyes and feels the wind on her face, and she’s still not okay, hasn’t been okay in a long time, and she won’t be okay tomorrow, but her team’s support makes her feel like it’s okay not to be. She knows there will be another nightmare tonight, but maybe this time she’ll admit she remembers it and let Adam hold her if she tries to fall back asleep. She feels raw, like every layer was peeled away, and she knows it’ll be worse tomorrow when she has to talk to the HPD psychologist, but she believes Steve when he said that it’ll help.

Chin sits with her in the car once he pulls into her driveway, and he tells her then that he’d texted her boyfriend earlier to tell him that it had been a hard day and Kono would be coming home late. Her cousin holds her hand and waits with her while she stares at Adam’s car in front of her until she feels like she can face him, and then he helps her out and lets her lean into him again as they slowly walk to her front door, and he doesn’t mention her trembling hand when she sticks the key in the lock. He waits inside while Adam hugs her close and murmurs how much he loves her and she just breathes, and Chin’s smile is genuine when she finally pulls away from her boyfriend, and he holds his arms out the second she reaches for him.

“I love you, cuz, and I’m always going to be here for you. Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll listen.” He waits for her to nod before kissing the side of her head. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning, okay?” She nods again and turns her head enough to offer him her first real smile of the night.

“Mahalo, Chin. I love you.” He smiles softly at her, carefully smoothes a hand over her head as he steps back and wishes them goodnight before leaving, and Kono is so tired again, half turns towards her boyfriend once the door closes and asks him to help her to the shower. She’s in there for longer than she first thought she’d be, scrubs the blood off her arms and hisses when the water hits her split lip and stares at the forming bruises on her wrists and avoids the tender bump on the back of her head. She scrubs herself down one more time after, moving slow so she doesn’t turn her knee the wrong way and leaning against the wall when exhaustion hits harder and her skin starts to feel raw but finally clean. She’s ashamed after she turns off the water and grabs her towel, both because it takes her longer than she wants to get dry and dressed with how careful she has to be with her knee, and because she has to swallow back bile and fear at the thought of Adam walking in while she’s naked.

After hanging up her towel Kono takes a deep breath, wipes the condensation off the mirror, and then stares defiantly at her reflection so she can brush through the knots in her hair. It’s hard to look at the cut on her lip and the bruise on her temple without her stomach turning, hard to look herself in the eyes and think that she doesn’t deserve the hateful thoughts that start swirling, and she has to lean against the sink to keep her balance, but when Adam gently knocks on the door with painkillers in one hand and asks if she wants to eat Kono nods and breathes a little easier at his smile in the mirror, because she’s not alone. He lets her walk out to the dining room when she says she wants to, and after they’ve eaten he looks at her, steady and even as always, and asks if she wants to talk about what happened today. He asks without expectation, just relieved that she’s home with him, and Kono lets go. She tells him everything, what’s been happening with the rapist and murderer these past weeks, what almost happened with him today, that she killed him instead, and then the rest spills out as well, everything that she told her team this evening. Adam doesn’t break his gaze or interrupt, only reaches out for one of her hands halfway through when she pauses to drink some water.

She’s exhausted again by the time she’s done talking and tells him as much, and she lets him help her limp back to the bedroom this time. He doesn’t push to talk about anything she’s just told him, just murmurs that he loves her and thanks her for revealing it all, and Kono loves her boyfriend more than any of the self-doubt or self-anger that has started swelling up again. It’s a little awkward, finding a position to sleep that doesn’t bother her knee, and Adam’s smile is tinged with sadness and worry, but Kono is still proud of herself for making it through the day, and that’s what she holds onto as she falls asleep.

She’s right about the violent nightmare, wakes up crying out because she rolled over trying to run in her dream and jerked her knee in the wrong way, tries to blink back tears and get her breathing back under control, but Adam is there, voice concerned as he gently reaches out towards her and asks what he can do. He waits until she says he can touch her and moves slowly so she knows what he’s doing, runs fingers through her hair and murmurs that she’s safe now, and tonight she doesn’t pretend to not remember what the nightmare was about, tonight she lets him hold her, carefully gets situated so he can spoon behind her without either of them putting extra pressure on her knee. It’s hard to go back to sleep, but her boyfriend waits with her, breathing slow and even behind her, holding her gently and occasionally reminding her that everything will be okay until she finally lets the exhaustion overcome her.

The morning is hard, her knee swollen and stiff, but she still has her brace from the ACL tear all those years ago, and Adam helps her put it on. She’s quiet and still feels off balance, because the truth is out and she doesn’t have to pretend that yesterday, the last two weeks, the past couple months, aren’t affecting her deeply, but her boyfriend still cooks her breakfast and smiles, tells her that he loves her and kisses her cheek while making sure to avoid her bruises, and the morning feels different but Adam is still her constant. When Chin comes to get her she takes a moment to kiss Adam carefully and tell him that she loves him, and he promises her that he’s not going anywhere. Chin says good morning and walks with her to the car slowly, smiles warmly over at her when he turns the keys in the ignition, and she can’t help but smile back at her cousin, rolls down the window and leaves her eyes open this time to watch the sun in the sky.

Kono isn’t okay, but she has texts from Danny, Grace, and Steve in her pocket, a kiss from the love of her life ghosting on her lips, and her cousin’s free hand curling around one of her own. Kono isn’t okay, and she won’t be okay anytime soon, but she’s finally on the road back to there, and that keeps the smile on her face all the way to her second home and her ohana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by Christina Perri's song "Human", and I recommend listening to it while you read. I hope you enjoyed! Please leave feedback
> 
> And y'all should definitely come holler at me on [tumblr](https://lovewithagirl.tumblr.com/)


	2. All My Scars Are Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, Danny Williams still has walls that take a sledgehammer to knock down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore Danny WIlliams, and I wanted to write about the things I recognize of myself in him. There is a panic attack that occurs in this chapter.

Danny always feels small in hospitals. He hates feeling small in his day-to-day life, always tries to make up for it with being abrasively loud and constantly talking with his hands and putting out as much as his personality as he can stomach to bare, and sometimes it’s still not enough but at least he’s tried and that helps. Hospitals take all of that away, though, strip him down to the scrappy kid from Jersey with too much to prove and too much fight in his heart for his brain to handle. He feels vulnerable, like an exposed live wire, like anyone could just put him out because he’s become some kind of liability that isn’t worth fixing.

He’s not entirely sure why he’s in the hospital when he wakes up, but the dulled level of pain spreading through his body means he’s on some good drugs, and he’s alone, so it’s got to be something to do with an active case. He raises his bed so he can sit up as he looks around, takes stock of the room, and it’s so quiet. The pain stays dull but starts to centralize in the back of his head and his left thigh after a minute, and he was by himself when this happened, that much snaps into place in his memory, crystal clear amongst the haziness of what actually occurred. Maybe that’s why no one is here, not even Kamekona, and the drugs must be the best because he hears a hysterical giggle come out of his mouth, because wouldn’t that be something, if none of his team knew where he was.

Another hysterical laugh slips out when the memories suddenly fall out of order and into place, bright staccato bursts, and he can’t stop, even as a nurse comes in, because-

They don’t know. He and Steve fought, something small about reckless driving that turned ugly and awful all of a sudden, and then he couldn’t take it back because Grace called and Steve said he’d ride with Lou. Then halfway there to pick her up Grace called again, didn’t need him to get her anymore, I’m okay Danno I promise, and when he turned around to head back to the palace he saw their suspect, just there slinking into an alleyway like the governor’s task force wasn’t hunting for him. He didn’t even think to call Steve, didn’t call his team or for backup, just dropped his phone and parked in the red zone and got out, shouting for the guy to freeze. He hadn’t, of course he hadn’t, so Danny chased him down the alley, and then-

“Sir? Can you hear me?” The nurse looks concerned, and Danny wonders just how long the guy has been trying to get his attention. He tries to smile and apologizes, relaxing again when the nurse smiles back. “Well as I was saying, Mr. WIlliams, we did call your emergency contact, and they’re on their way here. Now, while the knife thankfully missed your femoral artery, there was some muscle damage to your upper thigh, so we are highly recommending physical therapy. You luckily don’t have a concussion, but there is a pretty nasty cut from your assailant striking your head against a brick wall. You’re very lucky that someone saw you being attacked and called 911, or an infection could have easily set in if that cut had been left exposed in those condition.” The guy leaves after explaining the details of Danny’s release tomorrow, and then he’s alone in the quiet of the room, nothing to listen to but his heart monitor.

For a man who is on his own when not at work or with his daughter, who is on his own the majority of his personal time, who can’t seem to ask people to stay, Danny can’t stand to be alone. Being alone means getting trapped inside his head, means thoughts creeping into downward spirals, means devolving into that scrappy kid with a bruised heart again who just needs someone’s attention. He wonders briefly if the responding officers at the scene recognized him, maybe called Duke, but dismisses it quickly because someone would be here. His thoughts turn, then, and he hopes that Rachel at least brings Grace, but then it hits him-Rachel isn’t his emergency contact anymore. Rachel hasn’t been his contact for at least a year now, maybe more, and then that hysterical laugh is back, because what could Steve’s reaction have been when he got that call from the hospital.

Danny never told Steve he made him his emergency contact, never told him that he was changing it at all, because it had made sense when Rachel was his contact, so Gracie would always know right away if something happened, and Steve had understood that. He might not understand this, though, and Danny isn’t stupid-he knows Steve made him his emergency contact when they had been partners for six months, but at the time that was only because Danny was closer than Mary and Steve trusted him. Steve’s his best friend, so of course Danny better understands being his emergency contact now, but then the downward spiral starts because what if Steve doesn’t want the responsibility of being Danny’s? He’s got to know that Danny doesn’t have anyone else on the island, that yeah there’s Rachel but only for Grace and because there was no one else. Now Danny has Five-Oh, but that’s it, so of course he’d pick Steve, they’re partners and best friends, and he loves Kono and Chin like family, but he connected with Steve first, but what if what if what if?

Once the spiral starts it’s all consuming, though, because Steve has every right to demand that Danny pick another emergency contact. He has every right to not want another responsibility when it comes to his partner, has every right to tell Danny that it’s too much, has every right to not want to worry about his partner on an entirely different level. Steve is his best friend, but that doesn’t have to extend to this level of dependence, this level of intimacy. For all Danny knows he isn’t Steve’s contact anymore, because Steve has plenty of people now. He has people that aren’t negative, that don’t yell at him, that don’t pick fights because they’re scared about unnecessary risks and how one day it could go too far. He has people that don’t let their emotions get the better of them, people that are better and more reliable in emergencies, people that he would prefer to have around him in the hospital, people that aren’t Danny.

And would it hurt, not being Steve’s emergency contact anymore? Yes, absolutely and completely, but Danny would be able to live with it, without anything but the superficial complaints that are always expected from him. But it would be something a lot worse than hurt if Steve rejects being his emergency contact, because that would unquestionably change everything, and Danny doesn’t know if he could stomach those changes. Doesn’t know that he could handle telling Grace that Uncle Steve is busy again each weekend until she realized that somehow her father fucked up, handle being partnered with everyone but Steve until it became so obvious to Chin and Kono that he’s ruined their team, handle looking Steve in the eye when his partner tells him that he just can’t do it anymore.

Those thoughts go further inwards, then, because of all the things Danny could have done for Steve to find out about being his emergency contact, taking the same kind of unnecessary risk that he always gets mad at his best friend for is at the bottom of the list. He’s basically become the biggest hypocrite, so really, why would Steve bother coming at all? The nurses would have told him that the situation wasn’t critical, and there’s still the suspect to apprehend, so he probably sent someone back to the palace to try and find more information on the guy and asked them to briefly check up on Danny while they’re at it. He almost hopes it isn’t Steve, if anyone does come, because just thinking of trying to explain why he went into a dangerous situation blind and without help fills him with shame. Danny can’t believe he was so stupid, so reckless, and the thoughts turn darker, tinged red around the edges.

Danny’s going to choke on it, on the worry and the hurt and the rage that builds up inside him, he’ll choke on it without anyone here to tell him he can let it go, because he can’t do it on his own, has never been able to, only knows how to bury it again and again under layers. He doesn’t know how to let go, doesn’t know how to breathe on his own without these emotions and thoughts blocking his airway, and if a nurse walks in while he’s having this panic attack Danny will never survive showing this reality to a stranger, will never feel safe with this mess clawing inside his chest.

So of course someone walks in, but it’s worse than a random nurse, it’s Steve, his partner, his best friend, and Danny is pretty sure that they hysterical laugh would bubble back up if he wasn’t fighting his own damn body to try and breathe. Steve’s face is a mix of emotions Danny can’t decipher before he’s suddenly closer, one big hand coming up to press against Danny’s heart as he tells him to try and count between breaths, and then he starts counting for Danny when he can’t even do that, when he just clutches at Steve’s arm and tries to focus on sucking in air. It fades more quickly than he’s used to, but it still leaves him feeling drained, hands shaking as he finally lets go of Steve and slumps back against the bed. He closes his eyes, shame and gratitude at war inside him, but consuming both of those emotions is the fear of looking at his partner and seeing the realization of Danny’s real weaknesses-not that he feels too much, because everyone already knows that, but that he internalizes so much more that it physically affects him.

Danny knows that Steve isn’t a mind reader, that his friend will have no idea why Danny had a panic attack in front of him and will probably assume it has something to do with how he ended up in a hospital bed, but knowING that does not make it any easier to swallow the fear and shame rolling in his gut and just look his partner in the eye. Steve, being Steve, takes that hesitation away by opening his mouth before Danny has the chance to formulate any kind of explanation.

“You really scared me, you know? First when the nurses called me, even though they told me you weren’t in critical condition, and then I come in here to see you looking like you’re about to hyperventilate and pass out.” His voice is quiet, and it knocks the words back down Danny’s throat as he finally looks up at his partner. Steve is staring down at his hand, and he hadn’t even noticed it was still over his heart. He hesitantly curls his own hand around his friend’s wrist, and that’s when Steve finally meets his gaze. “I’ll let Kono know she can get Grace and bring her over. We weren’t sure you’d even be awake, or what you looked like.” Danny nods absently, looks behind his friend and frowns, the ache in his head making his thoughts feel suddenly slow.

“You were with Lou-where’s he?” Steve suddenly looks sheepish, worry lines smoothing out on his face as he flashes a crooked smile at him, and Danny already knows he’s going to forgive whatever the reason is.

“Uh, me and Chin switched after the nurse called me about you. I rode his bike here.” Danny is suddenly hit by how overwhelmingly and uncontrollably fond he is of Steve, has to duck his head to hide the smile that feels like it might split his face.

“And how many traffic laws did you break on the way over here, huh?” Steve’s laugh is a little shaky but still genuine, and when Danny looks back up he’s got the same goofy grin on his face.

“You know, I don’t think you have any room to talk right now.” He gently pulls away from Danny to get his phone out of his pocket, and the anxiety suddenly rears up in his stomach again because Jesus, Grace is going to be so scared, too. Steve reads his face, though, because all of Danny’s normal defenses are shattered, and smiles reassuringly. “Hey, it’s okay. We’ll let her know that you’re fine before anything else.” He shoots off a text quickly before pocketing his phone again, and then his hand twitches once towards Danny, and it makes the smile break out over his face again.

“Oh my god, you control freak, go ahead and look.” He sits forward carefully and ducks his head slightly, lets Steve rest a gentle hand on the back of his neck while he looks at the cut on his head. “And no, you can’t see what the thigh wound looks like, because I haven’t seen it yet either.” His friend hums flatly at that, and he has to huff out a quiet laugh at the petulance, because they’re both completely predictable, even if Steve hasn’t gotten to the one part of the script that Danny’s been waiting on. He blinks and starts when suddenly fingers are snapping in front of his face and his partner’s voice is sharp.

“Hey, Danny? You still with me? Should I call the nurse?” He shakes his head and looks back up at Steve, and the concern on his face forces the words up out of Danny’s chest.

“Why aren’t you mad at me?” There’s the conflicting mix of emotions that had been on Steve’s face when he first walked in the room, and it confuses him even more because his mind is clearer now. “I was stupid and landed myself in the hospital, and the perp got away. I fucked up. Why aren’t you angry?”

“I don’t know, man. I guess I was too worried to be angry,” and that sits heavy in his stomach, when Steve just shrugs and takes his hand off Danny’s neck so he can lean back against the bed. “And we actually got the guy. Apparently after he stabbed you, you punched him hard enough that once he cracked your head on the wall he only made it a few feet away before passing out,” and Danny can only stare.

“You’re shitting me. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. Are you pulling my leg?” Steve just laughs and shakes his head, scrubs a hand over his head and promises that he’s not, and Danny feels another knot in his chest loosen. “What the fuck is my life?” And Steve laughs again, face lit up as he reaches out to rest a hand on Danny’s shoulder, and the anxiety is gone but his stomach still twists when Steve squeezes his shoulder and opens his mouth again.

“So, you want to tell me what I walked in on? Was that a panic attack?” He swallows down the bitter taste in his mouth and nods slowly, closes his eyes so as to not have to look his friend in the eye when he admits this weakness.

“Yeah, I get them, sometimes. I have anxiety, it’s why I see a therapist. The panic attacks usually only happen when I get trapped in my head, which is exactly what you walked in on. My body doesn’t know how to handle it.” Steve hums and squeezes Danny’s shoulder again, waits him out until he has to look up and see the kind smile on his friend’s face.

“I’ve seen them before. You ever need anything, you let me know, okay? Doesn’t make me think any less of you. And Danny?” He swallows hard and nods, watches that smile stay warm and even. “I’m glad the nurses called me. I’m glad it’s me. Thank you.” He doesn’t know how to thank him in return, just reaches up and grabs his wrist, squeezes it gently before letting go, and Steve reads his face again and just nods before switching topics. 

By the time Grace comes running in with a shout of ‘Danno’, Kono, Chin, and Lou on her heels, Danny has Steve laughing hard enough that he’s crying, and he’s laughing, too, loud in this room that’s no longer quiet, and when Steve lifts Grace up onto his bed he doesn’t feel small anymore. He’s Danny Williams, and that’s enough to make him fill up the entire goddamn room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I listened to on repeat for this chapter was "Impossible" by James Arthur, both the regular and acoustic versions.Still going strong! Two more chapters


	3. Throw Me In The Deep End/Watch Me Drown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chin Ho Kelly's nightmares live inside him during the day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chin Ho Kelly is too good for all of us, and I think it's time, even just in writing, that he was given the help he deserves. There is mention of Malia's murder in here.

Chin Ho Kelly drowns every night in his dreams. He doesn’t call them nightmares anymore, even though he wakes up with his heart racing and eyes burning, because they’ve become his normal since his wife died. They’re dreams where he dies, but he still sleeps through most of the night (on the good nights), so they’re just dreams to him.

He starts calling them nightmares again when suddenly his loved ones are drowning instead. He starts calling them nightmares and starts avoiding sleep when he watches Kono go under and not come up without Adam there to save her, when he watches Malia sink under the waves with a scream, when Danny fights while being pulled down and Catherine reaches up for help and Steve just goes quietly with unblinking eyes until the dark swallows them all. Chin calls them nightmares when he doesn’t go to sleep until 2 am and wakes up his cousin with a call at 5 am because he needs to make sure she’s still alive, that she didn’t die with Malia a year ago.

They go from his normal to nightmares to night terrors when those were his hands holding Malia under the water in the latest dreams and he wakes up with screams caught in his throat and barely makes it to the bathroom in time to vomit up bile (he can’t keep down food anymore).

He doesn’t go to the diner, where Steve will be waiting, and he doesn’t go for a midnight surf, where Kono will hold out her hand to him, and he doesn’t go to the cemetery, where Danny will be sitting in his car, and he doesn’t go to the palace, where Catherine will be lounging on the couch in his office.

He tries to blame it on the approaching anniversary of his wife’s death, when his team finally stops trying to be tactful and instead comes to him with honest words (you’ve lost weight) (the circles under your eyes are so dark) (you look haunted) (we know you’re not okay, man). He uses that excuse with his mother when he sees her for dinner, with the psychologist he’s been seeing, with Duke’s quietly expressed concern and Max’s insightful questions and Kamekona’s blunt statements. He uses that excuse often enough that it comes out smoothly, that his team backs off to just watching him carefully, that he almost believes it.

That excuse disintegrates when Chin screams so loudly during his night terrors on the night of the anniversary that a neighbor calls the police because they think someone must be attacking him. When he wakes up to his old coworkers banging on his door and squad car lights flashing through his windows, Chin knows that no one is going to believe that this is the first time he’s had these dreams. It’s 3 am once HPD finally leaves, and he is exhausted to his core but knows sleep won’t come again, so he does the only thing he can think to-he calls his cousin.

“Chin? What’s going on?” As he sits on his couch and raises a hand to rub over his mouth, eyes suddenly stinging with tears, the truth spills out for the first time in months.

“I’m not okay,” and it tastes so bitter but he needs to say it, needs someone else to know, “I’m really not,” and because Kono is ohana to the core, she doesn’t hesitate.

“I’ll be there in ten minutes. Make some tea for us, okay? I’ll be there soon.” He does it mindlessly, is glad she suggested it because his house is deathly silent and still doesn’t feel like home, hasn’t felt like home in a year. When Kono lets herself in Chin has two cups sitting on the table, and he tries to smile at her as she sits across from him, but the sad look on her face tells him how poor the attempt looks, and he drops it immediately. He doesn’t know where to begin, words heavy on his tongue as he curls his hands around his mug, but his cousin just meets his gaze steadily, and when she reaches out to rest fingertips on his wrist the knot in his throat dissipates.

“I’ve been having dreams,” he starts, and doesn’t stop until the sun is up, until his tea is cold, until the tear tracks have hardened on both his and Kono’s faces, until the words dry up because she knows how it ends, with them carrying matching severe anxiety and sitting at his kitchen table because he can’t keep watching his loved ones drown at his own hands. She takes one of his hands, then, once he’s run empty, and squeezes tight, eyes intense and voice soft.

“She’s not here anymore, cuz. You’re living in a tomb with a ghost, and you need to get out,” and Chin knows she’s right. He packs a bag that he leaves in the car when she drives them to work, and no one says anything about the shadows under their eyes. He doesn’t tell the rest of the team that HPD came to his house, and while he’s sure they know by this point he is endlessly grateful that no one treats him any differently than normal (and normal has become watchful eyes and patient mouths, but he’ll take it).

He spends the next week at Kono’s house. He makes her breakfast in the morning and tries to eat during dinner with her and Adam and cries with relief when he wakes up one morning and doesn’t remember if he dreamt. Her boyfriend doesn’t stay over any of the nights, just shows up when they get off work and goes home when Kono starts yawning. Adam always smiles at him, clasps him on the shoulder gently or hugs him goodbye, and Chin is incredibly grateful that he never tries to talk about the dreams or Malia.

On Friday he goes out to surf with his cousin, and Kono lets him linger over waxing his board, doesn’t pressure him to get into the water before he’s ready. It’s hard, looking at her with the ocean behind her, because he sees an overlap between her in front of him and the image of her drowning in his nightmares.

“It’s okay, Chin. We don’t have to go out today.” He loves her for offering him the out without judgement, and loves her again for the delighted smile that spreads across her face when he says that he still wants to surf. They paddle out together, and the ocean rocking under his board is familiar, soothing, putting him at ease when he sits up next to her. They watch a few other people ride waves in, and Chin can’t help his own smile when he sees Kono’s fingers tracing restless circles in the water sliding over her board, because she’s all patience until it comes to surfing. He tells her to go, watches her light up as she starts paddling forward to catch the next wave as it rolls through, and seeing her pop up and ride it in soothes him further, because Kono is never more in her element than in the water, and she’s come so far from being so afraid after almost drowning.

The shout that tears out of his throat when Kono loses her balance and goes under the wave surprises him, and Chin forces himself to hold still, grabs the sides of his board and stares at the ocean and loses his breath when Kono surfaces with a laugh. She must see the distress on his face, because she waves and shouts that she’s all good before turning to swim into the shallows after her board. Chin watches her cut smoothly through the water and reminds himself to take deep breaths, and by the time she paddles back out to him his heartbeat is normal. He doesn’t surf that day, only catches one wave to ride it back in once they’re ready to leave, but Kono still looks so proud of him that Chin can’t feel disappointed with himself.

He goes back to his house the next day, and he raises the blinds and opens all the windows and finally goes through his pictures of Malia. He laughs for the first time in a long time, and he smiles at some pictures and cries at others, and after surfing the day before it’s the most cathartic thing he’s done for himself in a year. He puts the photos away when he’s finally done, dusts off the framed one from their wedding day, and pulls out his wedding ring to hang on a chain by his bed. It’s not easy to do, but he thinks that it’s a start to getting back on track with his emotional health.

On Monday Chin takes an hour off from work to go see his psychologist, and he’s as honest with him as he was with Kono. After his appointment he calls the number on the psychiatrist’s card that Dr. O’Connor handed him as he left and makes an appointment for the following week. When he makes it back to work, Catherine waves from her office and Steve asks how he’s doing, nods when Chin says his therapist wants him to on anti-depressants and smiles reassuringly.

“You do whatever you need to do, brah. We’ve got your back, and unless you want it to, I don’t see any reason this means you can’t do your job anymore.” Chin has to smile back at that, clasps his friend on the shoulder and squeezes gently, content as Steve’s smile grows.

“Mahalo. Now, I’m going to finish my paperwork, and you should actually get started on yours, before my cousin finds an excuse for all of us to take that rest of the day off.” Steve laughs at that and agrees, and Chin follows his lead and heads for his office, smiling and nodding at Danny when he raises a hand in greeting, laughing when he opens his own door to see Kono lounging on his couch because ‘my back hurt in my chair and yours is so much more comfortable’.

That night Chin takes the long way back from work, and when he parks in his driveway his house actually looks like a home, and he thinks that it’s going to take a while, but he’s going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written to Halsey's "Hold Me Down" and Our Lady Peace's "Clumsy". Please keep trucking through this with me.


	4. Don't Give Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve McGarrett hasn't been okay in a long time, and he's finally letting it out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very heavy chapter, probably the heaviest one. Steve McGarrett is one of the loves of my life, but I needed the catharsis of letting out my own demons, and I thought he was the best one to hold them. He is suicidal in this chapter-he almost commits it, he thinks about harming himself, and it can be very triggering, so please tread carefully.

Steve wakes up one morning and wonders if a bullet or pills would be better.

The anniversary of his father’s death has come and gone again, he finally has some measure of closure with his mother, Aunt Deb’s death doesn’t hurt so much anymore, and it’s just a Tuesday. Catherine is less of an ache, Freddie’s memory hasn’t caused a nightmare in months, he hasn’t had a flashback in weeks, for once he can say that his entire team is safe and healthy, and Steve still wakes up wanting to kill himself.

The thought itself isn’t a shock-it doesn’t scare him, the fact that he truly considers the options, that he could probably figure it out with time and a pros and cons list. Steve lays there, listens to the waves and looks at the sun filtering through his blinds, rubs fingers over the long scar down his chest, and thinks about the most efficient way to commit suicide. It’s new, at least as an active thought, but it still feels familiar, to want to die.

What does scare him, what makes him sit up and try to shake the thoughts out of his head, is the sudden image of someone finding his body. Steve tries to push both sets of thoughts away, goes out for a swim to clear his mind and makes breakfast and gets ready to go to work, but when he picks up his keys he’s hit hard with the idea of how his team would deal without him and how much better it could be for them, as long as they weren’t the ones to find his body. He could make it easy, go out on a boat to end it quick and be found by the coast guard instead. He drops his keys and shakes his head to try to clear his thoughts again, takes a deep breath and pulls out his phone instead, shoots out a group text to his team that he’s taking a personal day, and goes back to his room when weariness settles heavily on his shoulders from nowhere.

Steve unloads his gun, leaves his pills for his liver in his medicine cabinet, and goes back to bed at 8 in the morning. He wakes up again at 9 to find Danny sitting at the foot of his bed, and he’s exhausted, just looking at his partner’s slumped shoulders.

“Go back to work, man. I’m just feeling a little under the weather, figured I should sleep it off,” and when did it become so easy to lie to this man? He blinks and then Danny’s turned his head enough to look at him, face sad and eyes just as tired.

“You sure? Cause I’m here for you, babe, if you need anything.” Steve feels slow and off kilter, but he nods anyway and rubs a hand over his face.

“Yeah, of course. I should be good to go by tomorrow. I’m just gonna try to sleep some more. Tell Kono not to blow anything up until then, okay?” Danny chuckles weakly and nods, patting his shin before slowly standing and offering him a crooked smile.

“Rest up. And remember, we’re all here for you, whether you just need cough medicine or anything else. You just gotta let us in.” Steve watches him walk out of his room, listens to the sound of his friend walking down the stairs and setting his alarm again and locking the door behind him, and when he turns his head there’s a wet spot on his pillow from the tears sliding down his temples. And Steve finally lets go and lets himself cry, lets himself mourn for everything that feels broken inside, and he cries himself back into exhaustion and back to sleep.

He’s disoriented when he wakes up, head foggy and mouth dry and cheeks tight with tear tracks. He feels like he’s moving on autopilot, rolls over and sits up and tries to blink the daze out of his head as he loads his gun, walks into the bathroom and stares at his reflection. It’s like looking at a stranger, and he keeps looking himself in the eye as he raises the gun to his temple, but he doesn’t recognize himself at all.

He barely has time to flick the safety back on before he drops to his knees and empties his stomach. The gun clatters needlessly loud against the floor as he clutches the sides of the toilet and retches again, and suddenly there’s hands on his shoulders, a foot kicking the gun away, and Danny’s wrecked voice. 

“Jesus Christ, Steve, no, just let it out, you’re not giving up on me now, just let it out,” and he starts sobbing this time, rests his forehead against the porcelain and wills his stomach to calm and realizes that he really isn’t okay. Danny rubs his back through it, keeps him present in the moment and grounds him when he takes shuddering breaths because the tears finally run out. Danny takes a step back when Steve pushes away from the toilet to sit up, and shame burns deep when his friend crouches to pick up his gun and unloads it, sets both the gun and the clip next to him as he shifts again.

“How’d you know? Why’d you come back?” It feels surreal that his friend is sitting in the bathroom with him, and he doesn’t know how much time has passed before he breaks the silence, leans back more heavily against the wall to shift his legs away, gives him the space to stretch out his own. Danny rubs a hand over his face and sighs heavily before raising both hands in a shrug, looking more helpless than Steve’s seen in a long time.

“I didn’t know you were this bad. I just-you looked fine, was the thing. I was driving back to the palace, but I couldn’t stop seeing you in my head, and how you looked completely normal, just tired. It didn’t, uh, it didn’t sit right. I called Lou, and told him that I wanted to stay with you, just in case, and he agreed. So I came back, and I figured I’d just wait downstairs in case, y’know, you did take a turn for worse, or something. Because you looked fine, Steve, not like you were coming down with something. You just looked okay, and that didn’t feel right.” His eyes burn with tears that he won’t let fall this time, and he doesn’t know how to respond, just stares at his friend and wishes he could feel the gratitude that he knows he would experience any other time.

“I feel so hollow, Danny. There’s something wrong.” Steve is surprised at raw his own voice sounds, and he swallows back an ache, thinks about getting up to get a glass of water and then decides that it can wait another minute. Danny looks so sad, and his hand twitches like he wants to reach out, and Steve wishes he would, too.

“I know, babe. What do you need?” Steve shakes his head as a response, licks his lips and thinks over how much of the truth he should let out, and then decides that Danny deserves all of it.

“I don’t know. I want to hurt myself, to kill myself. I think, um, I think I need to talk to someone, but I don’t know what else, man. I’m just-I’m just not okay, and it’s bad. Something is really wrong with me.” Danny does reach out then, leans forward and puts a hand on Steve’s arm, voice soft.

“Okay. Then I think first we should start with the HPD psychologist, because you can probably see them soonest. And you know both Chin and I have seen therapists, so we can see which of them you can make an appointment with sooner. Chin has also seen a psychiatrist, so if you want we can reach out there, as well. Does that sound okay?” Steve takes a shuddering breath and nods, looks his friend in the eyes and wills himself to be brave about this.

“Yeah, uh, that sounds good. That sounds right.” It’s hard, swallowing down a bitter taste in his mouth, but Steve knows he needs professional help, knows that he needs to stop believing it’s weakness and let Danny help him for now.

“Alright, we can start making calls in a minute or so. We can just stay here for a little bit longer. Is there anything else you need?” Danny squeezes his arm gently and tries to offer a smile, and that’s what spurs the next bout of honesty, his friend giving every measure of comfort that he can in the face of something that has to be just as scary for him to see as it is for Steve to feel. He ducks his head and takes a deep breath before admitting the truth.

“I, I need to not be alone. I really should not be alone. And I know that’s asking a lot, but if I’m alone I might do something.” Danny squeezes his arm again, waits for Steve to raise his head and looks him straight in the eye, no judgment on his face.

“Then I won’t go anywhere. I’ll be right here with you, okay? I’m right here, Steve. Or it can be Kono, or Chin, or Lou, whoever you want. But we’re your family, and we’re here for you.” There’s a lump in Steve’s throat again, and he swallows it down, keeps meeting his friend’s gaze and raises one of his hands to rest over Danny’s on his arm.

“Okay. Okay. Danny?” He drops his voice even softer, doesn’t know why but unwilling to break the stillness of the room around him, even as his gaze wanders to the gun sitting on the other side of the door sill.

“Yeah, babe?” Danny’s voice is just as quiet, and a little shaky, and Steve forces himself to look away from the gun because his friend deserves more regard than that.

“Thank you.” It’s strange to watch the emotions flicker across his partner’s face, surprise and sadness coming up the strongest before he opens his mouth.

“You never, ever, have to thank me for being here for you, but you’re welcome.” He lets Steve keep sitting for another moment before carefully standing and offering a hand to help him up. “C’mon, let’s go downstairs. I’ll make you some tea.” Danny leaves the bathroom first, scoops up the gun and clip and carries them downstairs as Steve follows him, drops them down next to his own by the doorway and then heads into the kitchen without mentioning it at all.

It doesn’t get easier. Danny stays with him the whole day, fills the silence and draws Steve into conversations again and again so he doesn’t get lost in his thoughts.The only time Danny goes quiet is when Steve calls the HPD psychologist to make an appointment for the next day, and then when he’s shaking again because of how scared he is of himself, Danny just gets him down in a chair and steps between his legs to hold him close. After that, when he’s drained and has his forehead resting on his friend’s sternum to feel him breathe, Danny calls first his own therapist and then Chin’s, gets Steve an appointment in a week with his therapist, and doesn’t stop rubbing his back the entire time.

Kono stops by around dinner time to give Danny a change of clothes, and she kisses Steve’s cheek, smiles softly and eats with them and doesn’t push to find out what’s going on. He tells the team the next day, after he’s woken up from a nightmare by Danny and neither of them go back to sleep, what almost happened the day before. He leaves them to talk to Danny when he goes to his appointment, and when he comes back they’re waiting for him, an open circle that they need him to finish. 

They take turns staying with him all week when he asks them to, don’t judge him when he asks them to hang onto his gun after work or when he puts his pills in the kitchen instead of in his bathroom. Lou brings Steve home with him for dinner before they go back to Steve’s, and it’s loud and full of laughter and a perfect distraction, lets Steve go through the motions of teaming up with Renee against his friend and then taking his turn to be scolded, and going home after that isn’t so bad, especially because Lou doesn’t stop being loud and full of laughter. The sadness slips back in after dark, when he’s in bed listening to Lou’s snores from the next room over, and he falls asleep wondering what it’d be like to not feel bone-deep sorrow anymore. 

The next day it’s Chin, and he comes with stories of his niece and the drawings she most recently had her Aunt and Uncle in Mexico send to him, and it should feel good to see the drawing of the team where he’s labeled ‘Uncle Steve’ between ‘Uncle Chin’ and ‘Aunt Kono’, but instead there’s that hollow place in his chest again that makes his emotions disappear. Chin must see that he’s faking it, but he doesn’t say a word, just keeps telling stories about Sara that turn into stories of he and Kono when they were younger, and Steve falls asleep with his hand over his scar and his stomach turning at thoughts of leaving everyone behind.

Kono makes Steve skip out of work early with her to go surf, goes home with him long enough for him to change and grab his board before taking him home with her for the same. Adam smiles wide and makes small talk while they wait for her, and then he waves them off to have fun when Kono comes back out of their bedroom with a force behind her eyes and a sunny smile. She keeps Steve out in the water long enough that his stomach starts grumbling without food, that the sun starts to set, that for a while he forgets everything but himself and the ocean. When she finally smiles at him and says that they should head in, Steve’s mind feels calmer and breathing doesn’t hurt as bad, even when they go to Kamekona’s and he knows he should feel amused about their friend’s antics but can’t. After dinner they’re both exhausted, head back to Steve’s and shower off and get ready for bed, but before she says good night Kono looks at him and smiles crookedly from the doorway of the guest room.

“You remember when I fucked up my knee again because I had to fight off the rapist, and I finally told you all about the depression I’d been in? You said something that still sticks with me, that still helps me. You said, ‘We need you, and I know you need us, but you also need to take care of yourself.’’’ He nods, remembers it as she says it and cocks his head to the side, waits for her as her smile softens and she puts a hand on his arm. “Well, you know we’re ohana, and we need you. And I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself, and letting us help. Aloha wau iā ʻoe,” and he’ll never stop being surprised at how deep Kono’s love runs, that it extends beyond the bond she has with her cousin to each one of her teammates.

“I love you, too. And thank you. I’m glad it still helps you.” She squeezes his arm gently before letting go and stepping back into the room, reminds him that she’s right next door if he needs her for anything during the night, and when Steve goes to his room he wonders if there’s any way to feel anything other than the alternating emptiness and immense sadness.

Danny leaves work early the next day to pick up Grace and have her back at Steve’s by the time he gets home. Charlie’s got a cold so he doesn’t bring him, but the tight hug he gets from his niece is more than enough. She ignores her homework in favor of updating him on her life since he’s seen her last, how she and Will are doing and what her friends have been up to and how cheer is going. When Danny finally convinces her to do her homework she rolls her eyes but pulls it out anyway, and Steve is hit with a sudden wave of fondness. Grace smiles slyly then and says she’ll do her homework without complaining if they get shaved ice before he takes her back to her mom’s, and Steve surprises himself by laughing when Danny just smiles ruefully and agrees.

He goes with them, once Grace’s homework is done and he’s cooked for her and Danny, gets cherry and grape shaved ice and lets his niece make fun of him for picking the boring flavors. He lets her and Danny do most of the talking, but he stays present in the conversation, and that’s more than enough for him.

“Love you Danno, Uncle Steve. Stay safe.” She says it over her shoulder with a wave as she gets out of the car, and it sits with Steve the entire drive back home. He feels carved out, again, hollow and empty once they’re back inside, and once he’s taking a shower and knows Danny can’t hear him he leans against the wall and cries, because he can’t feel a damn thing. When he’s finally done he finishes washing himself and steps out, dries off and wraps the towel around his waist and steps over to his sink on autopilot, but the second he picks up the razor his hands start shaking, because that would be a way to feel again. 

Wrists are out, because he couldn’t pass cuts there off as scratches, and it would be the same for any facial cuts, because those would be too obviously not just mistakes from shaving. Lower hips are a viable option, though, or thighs, and Steve has to breathe slow and deep for a minute because just one cut is all it would take to feel something other than sorrow or emptiness. He squeezes the handle of the razor tight and wants so badly to feel something, but when he tries to listen to the quiet he can faintly hear Danny downstairs making tea, and that’s enough to make him put the razor down and step away. He gets dressed and wanders downstairs, leans against the doorjamb to just watch his friend be alive for a minute before taking a deep breath.

“Uh, you can shower, if you want, and I’ll finish up down here.” Danny nods and smiles at him, absently clasps his shoulder as he goes to walk past him, and Steve carefully grabs his wrist to keep him in place. Danny watches him patiently without saying a word, just waits for him to chew over the words before spitting them out quietly. “I need you to get rid of my razor. I’ll buy an electric one tomorrow.” Danny’s eyes are gentle and his mouth is sad when he slides his hand down enough to gently squeeze his upper arm, thumb rubbing small circles.

“Okay, babe, I can do that.” He waits another minute, just watching Steve until he’s ready to let go of his wrist, lets him feel his pulse until he can breathe in time and step further into the kitchen. “I’ll go take care of that now,” and looking at him walk away makes Steve think that he’s never going to find a better friend than the one in his house right now.

The next two days seem to go by in a blur, Steve going through the motions at work and trying to feel something at home while Danny tries to keep him in the present, and then it’s time for his appointment with the psychologist. Danny takes him, sits with him when they get there early for Steve to fill out paperwork and smiles reassuringly when the psychologist comes out to greet them and asks Steve to come back to her office, sits in the waiting room for the better part of an hour before Steve comes back out feeling numb and with an appointment reminder card in his wallet. He stays quiet there, follows Danny to the car and lets him drive because he hasn’t felt safe to do so since the day he woke up wanting to die. He can’t talk during the drive home, stuck in his head with words trapped in his throat, and it’s not until Danny passes him a mug of tea that he can force himself to speak, eyes locked on his own hands and not the man sitting across from him.

“She thinks it’s a combination of PTSD and depression. I’m going back to see her next week, and she recommended a psychiatrist for me to see as soon as I can. She thinks that medication and therapy together should help me.” Steve’s suddenly aware that he’s going to cry, and he tries to fight it but it’s too late, and he pushes the tea away to rest his forehead in his hand as the tears start to slide down his face. “Jesus, Danny, I’m so fucked up. She told me all of this after asking me all sorts of questions, and I didn’t feel a goddamn thing, not relief or anger or anything I should have.” His friend hums soothingly and comes around the table, places a hand between his shoulder blades and keeps his voice soft.

“No, babe, you’re not fucked up. There’s no way you should feel, Steve. Whatever you’re feeling, or not feeling, is valid, okay? And that’s what the medication and therapy will hopefully do, make you feel again, okay? And I’m gonna be here for you the entire time.” He lets Steve cry it out, rubs his back firmly and doesn’t try to say anything else, and when there’s just that empty place left inside Danny goes to get him tissues, sets them down and sits next to him and just waits to see what Steve needs, and that’s when he knows.

He hoards it close and tucks it into the back of his mind to think about later, and he moves on autopilot for the rest of the day, and Danny lets him, just stays close and doesn’t try to pull him into conversations until he asks what he wants for dinner, and for the first time that day Steve feels something. A wave of gratitude crashes over him, and he doesn’t know how to express it, just works in his kitchen with his friend to make their food, because emotions have become the anomaly, and that’s when Steve starts hoping that the doctors are going to be able to fix him sooner rather than later.

What the psychologist and psychiatrist both tell him over and over is that there is no timeline that he should be getting better according to, that there are no checkpoints he has to hold himself to, that healing and developing healthy coping mechanisms and learning to live with mental illnesses are not linear, that he won’t start to notice any effects of the medicine until he’s been on it for a few weeks. Steve hates that, wants to be able to put everything behind him and be normal again, but his team is there to remind him that it’s okay, boss, it’s okay, man, we’re here for you, we’re your family, nothing will change that, it’s okay. He keeps going through the motions, keeps asking Danny to stay over every other night just in case, keeps looking himself in the mirror and seeing a stranger, keeps waiting to get better. 

It takes a month of being on his medication for Steve to notice a change in himself, just a small one but still something new. They’re all out at a bar, relaxing at a table and drinking casually, and Kono ends up snorting her beer out her nose at a story Lou is telling, and Steve laughs, loud and genuine and surprising himself. None of them make it out like a big deal, but everyone’s smiles look a little brighter to him for the rest of the night, and Steve goes home alone but feeling okay about his diagnoses for the first time since he got them. He takes his medications before he goes to bed, and when he looks in the mirror he thinks he recognizes who he sees, not who he used to be but who he is now, and it’s enough. 

Another month brings more small changes-he feels happiness when Grace hugs him, he feels hopeful when Mary calls and lets Joan talk to him, he laughs when Chin makes a deadpan comment, he feels something other than sadness and emptiness at least once or twice a day, and this is progress, his psychologist tells him, no matter how fleeting the moments may be.

It feels like failure when, after a good day at work and with his family, he’s taking his medicine and suddenly wonders if he should just swallow everything in the bottle. He knows it’s just an intrusive thought, because it isn’t something he actively wants to do, is glad that his psychologist talked to him about them, but he still has to cap the bottle and step back from it because there’s a bitter taste in his mouth that reminds him of fear.

“Hey, Steve. What’s up?” Danny answers before Steve’s even aware of having picked up the phone, and he can’t breathe for a second, angry at himself for being this weak, and then his friend’s voice breaks through that hate. “Babe? You okay? You need me to come over?”

“Yeah, I do, actually. I’m, uh, I’m okay. But I need to not be alone right now. Please.” Danny hums soothingly and keeps his voice steady when he promises to be there as soon as possible, and Steve feels lost when he hangs up to drive over. He heads downstairs to find something to do, ends up making a pot of coffee despite the time of night, and reminds himself that he shouldn’t hate himself for needing someone so late, that he would be there for anyone if they needed him, to, and by the time Danny lets himself in Steve feels marginally better about asking his friend for company.

“Okay, coffee, good, I need some. And none of your weird ass putting butter in it, okay? Actually don’t even touch another mug, I will pour it for myself, you’ll do something to it, I just know.” He sits at the table and watches Danny putter around his kitchen, notices suddenly that his friend is just in a t-shirt and pajama pants, and something aches in his chest at that.

“Sit with me for a minute? I need to ask you something.” His friend smiles at him softly and pulls out the chair next to him, sits and reaches out to squeeze his wrist gently.

“I’m not mad you called me. I’m really glad you did. I’m here for you. You want to talk about why you called?” And he shakes his head, shoots back a crooked smile, and unspools the thought that’s been tucked away for weeks.

“No, but thanks. Um, but since you’re here, there’s something else. I just, I’ve been thinking something, and I just wanted to know if it’s real, so-do you love me?” And there’s the look that Danny’s been giving him lately, mixed parts sad and hopeful, and it guts him just like every other time he sees it.

“I do, babe, and like how you mean it. I’m in love with you, yes.” His friend says it plainly, and Steve is so grateful for it, carefully turns his hand over to loosen Danny’s hand on his wrist and curl their fingers together slowly. He takes a deep breath and keeps meeting his friend’s gaze, tries to smile at him but doesn’t know if it’s appropriate for what he’s about to say.

“I think, I think that I love you, too. But I’m not in a good place right now, Danny. I don’t know if I can, uh, if I can-” and Danny knows, smiles at him gently and squeezes his hand and cuts him off carefully.

“I know, Steve. It’s okay. Don’t you remember what I’ve been telling you since this started? I’m not going anywhere. I can wait.” Steve can’t speak for a moment, gratitude and hope and affection welling up from deep inside where he hadn’t been sure anything would come from again. “And maybe you won’t be ready for a long time. Maybe you’ll realize you don’t love me like I love you. And I’ll be okay with either of those, babe. All I want is for you to feel better, however long that takes.”

-

It takes six months, but one day Steve wakes up, heads downstairs to find Danny making breakfast for Grace because his friend’s house is being tented for termites, and when their sunny smiles turn on him, it slips out as helplessly as the emotion washes over him.

“I love you.” And he’s not all the way better, and he might never be, but he’s been able to get better for himself, not for anyone else, and this is enough. This will always be enough.

“I know. I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed four songs to get through Steve-"Not About Angels" by Birdy, "9 Crimes" by Damien Rice, "Everything" by Lifehouse, and "Fix You" by Coldplay. Thank you for sticking this out, and take care of yourself.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfiction I've completed and wanted to post, so thank you all for reading it! I really hope that it's something that resonates with you.


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